This cheap travel blog has been packed with informative posts and photos to make you drool lately, so time for a bit of fun instead. It always gives me great joy to find the English language used as a mere design element rather than to communicate. In most countries it is very difficult to find a t-shirt in the local language. Almost everyone, it seems, thinks it’s better to have a message in English, even if they can’t understand what it says.

Sometimes it’s clear nobody knows what it says, or they wouldn’t be wearing it around. Like this one at the top I found in a storefront in Sofia, Bulgaria. I walked for miles in that city looking for something in the mysterious Cryllic alphabet, but the only thing I could find was ugly tourist shirts just spelling out Bulgaria or with the original alphabet scrawled out by the founder. Neither something any local would wear. Instead you get boob references.

The second one is much like a few I have bought over the years in Korea, Thailand, and Peru. Complete gibberish meant to look like a cool message. Really though, just a bunch of random phrases slapped together. If you can’t read the second one, here’s what it says:

Blog
Old Fashioned Root Beer Floats
Catfish Power
NewYork City
Sports Wear

In the big scheme of things to complain about, I’ll admit that dumb and annoying travel advertisements don’t rank very high on the scale. But after looking at these two ads for months across multiple publications, I’ve realized that they represent a black hole of stupidity, millions of dollars turned over to some ad agency with a good Powerpoint presentation instead of being spent in ways that could really bring in more visitors to a destination. They represent what’s so wrong with how destinations market themselves. Instead of courting evangelists, conversing with fans, and highlighting what makes this specific place truly special and worth visiting for a certain type of tourist, they go for the big dumb media splash in hopes of getting noticed by some fraction of the masses.

Exhibit A, this truly horrible magazine ad from South Africa Tourism. It’s the kind of thing that makes people scratch their heads and then ask, “What the f*&% were they thinking with THAT one?”

Although I’m tempted, I don’t want to sully this ad with any funny thought balloons or arrows pointing to the silly parts, so just check out the following list. 1) They’re about to get mauled. 2) The guide has a gun. Is he really going to shoot an elephant in Kruger National Park? 3) One of the women is wearing shorts in the middle of a patch of razor grass. 4) Really, you think this is going to be a fun position to be in when you go waltzing through the savannah—and you think your tour company will really allow it? No and no. 5) What’s that “exuberance of the locals” line all about? The exuberant elephants or some mystery unseen humans hiding in the grass?

Exhibit B is not as dangerous, but is doubly dumb. I’ve now seen this is six magazine issues, which tells me they’ve spent a double-buttload of money on it. But what does it mean?

For anyone who has actually been to Scottsdale, Arizona, this ad is laugh-out-loud funny. Scottsdale is a city of strip malls with gargantuan asphalt parking lots, shopping malls that are big enough to be seen from space, and convention resorts surrounding carefully manicured golf courses. It’s about as close to cowboys and cowgirls as a boots store in Tokyo. The only thing you’re likely to lasso there is the iPhone of a soccer mom who is texting while driving her Hummer. Or a retired grandma who’s moving too slowly on her ScooterStore transportation device—in one of those shopping malls. (Are the diamonds in the ad a reference to the fact they have Kay Jewelers outlets?)

I’m sure there are natural cacti somewhere outside of Phoenix and Scottsdale, but I was last there for three days and didn’t see a one. No diamonds in the sky either—the light pollution along the six-lane roads killed anything that may have been overhead.

There’s a demographic that actually likes all this and will get excited about it, especially if they can use their Marriott loyalty points to come play some golf. So show them what you’re really about. Be honest. Don’t try to trick the rest of us into the idea that you’re like Flagstaff or Santa Fe. That deception is ridiculously expensive and it never works.

Figure out what makes you unique and communicate that to us in an genuine way.

(And when it comes to handing money to that ad agency, you might want to start looking at some research reports concerning how people are making their actual vacation decisions. I hear there’s this newfangled thing called the Internet…)

Related silliness: Careful with those Tourism Slogans!

I was writing about Mexico a lot while I was living there for a year, so I gave it a break for a bit. But I’ve been holding on to these photos ever since attending the Feria de Leon in the state of Guanajuato’s largest city – Leon.

This is supposedly the second-biggest state fair in Mexico and it seemed like half the population of the state was there when we attended on its final weekend. Should you want to go, it’s January 13 to February 6 in 2012 and roughly that same time each year. It’s right off the main big thoroughfare going through the city (and to the bus station), so it’s easy to get there on public transportation.

When you get inside, it’s a madhouse. There are things you would expect at a fair, like animals winning blue ribbons, junk food, and carnival rides. But everything seems to have a bit of a Mexican twist to it. Some of it was easy to figure out—like getting your photo taken sitting on top of a giant cebu. Other parts, not so much—like the freaky-looking guy with glitter on his eyelids who was in charge of the petting zoo.

We had a few goals in mind before we entered the gates. One was to check out a Lucha Libre wrestling match. It didn’t start out as very promising when “Smooth Operator” by Sade played twice on the sound system before the match. Not exactly music to get the aggression going. Plus the fakeness of this fake wrestling was a little too apparent with the first match. The amateurs aren’t even good at faking a fight, apparently.

They got better though, and so did the music. By the end it was acrobatic guys that almost made it look like they were hitting each other. Watching the crowd was just as fun, as was the parade of snacks for sale: apples covered with chili sauce, cotton candy in four colors, potato chips covered with hot sauce and limes.

We also planned to eat our way around the grounds and were successful on that count. At the prices above ($1 = 12 pesos) it wasn’t hard. They take their food stalls seriously in Mexico and there were probably 100 of them around, all busy. We got huaraches, tacos, shrimp on a stick, giant burritos, and other goodies. But this sign below was the best.

If you get a chance to check out a voladores show in Mexico, it’s a real treat. Elaborately dressed men climb to the top of a very high pole, rope themselves onto it, and fly through the air. They slowly get closer and closer to the ground while whirling around the pole. All the while another man is on a small platform at the top, playing a flute and hopping around. It gives me the willies just thinking about sitting up there, much less in his position.

Here’s a close-up of the guy who was moving around on the top, playing that flute. He’s been doing this a while it looks like, so I guess he’s used to it.

My daughter and I did the rounds of the games to win some prizes. In one booth you could win a giant stuffed cigarette. In another, loaves of Bimbo bread. She got a little toy from shooting a cap gun but our big score was when we played the loteria game. We put down our bets on which pictures would come up (the drunk, the scorpion, and the devil were my faves) and scored boxes of cookies.

She also dug the rides, especially the one where a guy blew up big plastic bubbles with a leaf blower and the kids bumped around inside them on top of a pool of water. Big fun!

I’m hanging out with lots of great writers and editors right now at the North American Travel Journalists conference. One of the attendees with the best sense of humor is Spud Hilton, who runs the travel section of the San Francisco Chronicle.

Here’s the auto-response if you dare to send him an e-mail with the stupid non-term known as “staycation”:

This e-mail alert is to let you know that all messages to Chronicle Travel and Travel Editor Spud Hilton that contain the word “staycation” are automatically deleted by the e-mail server.

Please eliminate this word from all future mailings, in part because it was a non-existant trend, and because the idea — not going somewhere and calling it travel — is just stupid.

Thank you,
Chronicle Travel

Here’s what else pisses him off: the photography rights policy of supposed free art gathering Burning Man.

Hidden treasure in India

Courtesy of The Week magazine, here are some Friday Factoids for your happy hour chatter on travel and life.

* China is now the third-most visited nation in the world, after France in the U.S., up 19% in 2009.

* Thailand has its first female prime minister, the sister of ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawata (figurehead of the Red Shirts rioters)

* The average British tourist gains eight pounds during a two-week trip to the U.S. thanks to big portions and all-you-can-eat buffets. (London Daily Mail)

* The poorest fifth of Americans spend around 42 percent of their incomes on transportation. For middle-income Americans, it’s 22 percent. (Wired)

* After a crackdown on illegal immigration in the U.S. state of Georgia, farmers report 11,000 unfilled jobs.

* The total tax burden on Americans in 2009, as a percentage of GDP, was 24 percent. Canadians pay 31 percent, Britons 34 percent, Germans 37 percent, and the French 37 percent. (Toronto Globe & Mail)

* In the vaults of a Hindu temple in the state of Kerala, in India, investigators found $22 billion dollars worth of treasure: diamonds, gems, and gold coins.

* Good luck getting a manicure in Alabama: in Alaska a license to be a manicurist requires 12 hours of training. In Alabama, it requires 700 hours. (Wall Street Journal)

Quote of the month:
Take the course opposite to custom and you will almost always do well. – Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Happy travels!